Preventing Dysfunction

Welcome to our Women's Bible Study on 2 Samuel, which is called The Reigning King. Today we're going to cover chapters 13 through 15. And you studied this, the contents of this, these chapters are very challenging, perhaps even triggering. So we start by reminding ourselves the Bible narrates. The Bible doesn't give a stamp of approval on what happened. This is just a narration and there's a lot, there's a lot of application here. And so I titled this Preventing Dysfunction. That is the title with the subtitle of Discernment and Discipline. Okay, and so there's going to be a lot of application. Before we rush to application we want to process the information and we want to look at the big picture because part of the big picture was 2 Samuel chapter 7, the Davidic covenant, God's covenant with David. It was a big deal. It was the high point of 2 Samuel. And what we learned through that is that in God's unfolding plan of redemption, what is important for us to look at is the person who would reign on David's throne and to some degree the place where this house would be built for God's name. You know, David wanted to build it. And so in the near term the person is Solomon, the son whom God loved, and the place would be a certain place in Jerusalem. In the perfect term the person will be Jesus Christ the Messiah, the only begotten son who God loves, and the place is still going to be Jerusalem. And I want to focus on that a little bit because that's the next big pillar we're looking for. So I'm going to put on the screen for you this verse that we ended with last week from 2 Samuel chapter 12. Look at this, Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and went into her and lay with her. And she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon. And the Lord loved him and sent a message by Nathan the prophet, sent a message by Nathan. So he called his name Jedidiah because of the Lord. All right, now if we fast forward to 1 Chronicles, there is a narrative there where David is telling his son Solomon these things. I'll put that on the screen for you. It's 1 Chronicles 22, 7 to 10. And David says to Solomon,

So that tells me that this was told to David before Solomon was born.

That tells me that God told David what to name the boy.

So sowing those two scriptures together, I think that Nathan was the one that brought this word of the Lord to David and said, This son from you in Bathsheba, the Lord loves. He will be the one to carry on your throne. If I'm right about that, if we're right about that, then David knew the future of his kingdom from before Solomon's birth. He knew who would follow him, who would ascend to his throne. And yet here we are in 2 Samuel provided with 20 plus years now and 12 chapters of somewhat peripheral information before that happens. Now Solomon is the next big deal. It's the next big pillar in God's plan of redemption. And by the way, 1 Chronicles jumps almost exclusively from where we just left off all the way to Solomon without all of this that we have in 2 Samuel. And I say that to remind us that Amnon and Tamar are not the next big pillar. Absalom is not the next big pillar. David fleeing out of Jerusalem and coming back is not the next big pillar. These are in-between narratives that are important and God saw fit to put them into our Bible, and they are instructive for us. And so what we want to do is find out how are they going to instruct us, what you have studied. So we're going to pay attention, and that's why I titled this Preventing Dysfunction. Wikipedia and most mental health sites that I looked at say that a dysfunctional family is characterized by conflict, misbehavior, and abuse. Those three characteristics sum up David's family, what we are going to see here. Now today, a lot of dysfunctional families are created because of substance abuse, which clouds adults' discernment. That's why we get dysfunctional families today, although it doesn't need substance abuse. Just a good old sinful nature gets you there too. And so this is why we want to learn how to prevent this. So I want to highlight two characteristics that I think that we see in here prevents dysfunction, and they are discernment and discipline. So discernment I want to describe to you as the ability to judge well. I promise we're getting into the scripture. I just feel like I need to lay a foundation. Discernment is the ability to judge well. You may know Paul and I just flew back from the Midwest the other day, and we were sitting on a fairly short one-hour, ten-minute flight together, and behind us there was a girl and a guy. They came in separately, and the girl, by her voice and words and the way she talked, I judged to be about maybe 24 years old. The guy seemed like he was maybe 30 to 35. He was a really big talker, like he talked constantly. I had my headphones on. I could still hear him. I don't know what his motives were, but he just wanted to talk to her the entire time. I knew they weren't together by the conversation, and over the course of an hour and 10 minutes, she answered his questions and told him where she lived, not just the town, but how many houses down from a certain bridge in that town. She told him where she worked, what her work schedule was. Now, this took an hour, but he's just asking these questions, and as a mama, grandma, I'm like, this is rising up in me, and I wanted to stand up and say to her, you are showing a shocking lack of discernment right now. Are you going to get out your social security card? But sometimes people have a way of wearing us down, and we don't realize what kind of information. So I just share that story to get discernment fixed in your mind. Now, what about discipline? Discipline is training to obey rules or codes of behavior, and using correction for disobedience, okay? So that's what discipline is, and I sent you in your study guide to 1 Kings 1, and we learned that David did not discipline. As a father, it said he had never displeased his sons by asking, why have you done thus and so? He never called them out. All right, so as we work our way through these narratives, I want us to be considering the role of discernment and discipline in what we read. We're almost ready to start chapter 13 here, but I also want to remind us that the point of this, the focus of chapter 13, is not Amnon and Tamar. The focus is Absalom, and that's how it begins. Now Absalom, David's son, had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar. They are full brother and sister, same mom, same dad. Apparently the genetics are outstanding because they're both beautiful people. And after a time, Amnon, David's son, not from the same mother, loved her, Tamar, and Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shemaiah, David's brother. So David's brother, so this Jonadab, this is a nephew of David's, okay, cousins to the rest of these guys. And Jonadab was a crafty man, and Amnon told him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister, but he didn't love her, this was not lust, or this was not love, he lusted her is what he did. And we think that Jonadab knew that, and he concocted a plan because he was a crafty man, and he said, well tell your father that you're sick, and you need some healthy food like Tamar knows how to make right there in your chamber. And shockingly, David thought that was a good idea and sent Tamar in to do just that. And that is our discernment fail number one. Fathers and mothers, because this is a women's Bible study, so we're going to talk about our role here, should always go overboard to protect. If there is any... reason at all to suspect we need to protect. That is our role. So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house while he was lying there and she made this food and pretty soon Amnon sent everybody out and in verse 10 he said bring the food into my chamber that I may eat from your hand and Tamar took the cakes and she that she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. Discernment fail number two. She saw no danger just like the girl sitting behind me. She saw no danger in all the information she was giving out and Tamar was probably a naive kept young girl and she didn't discern the danger here to go into a man's chamber bedchamber. Eleven when she brought them near to him to eat he took hold of her and said to her come lie with me my sister and she said no my brother do not violate me for such a thing is not done in Israel. Do not do this outrageous thing. As for me where could I carry my shame and as for you you would be one of the outrageous fools in Israel and she's not wrong. She gave a warning and she even gives a compromise. Now therefore please speak to the king for he will not withhold me from you. But see that's not what Amnon wanted. He didn't want a wife to care for. He wanted an encounter and so her compromise wasn't was of no use to him. Verse 14 being stronger than she he violated her and he lay with her and then it tells us he hated her and he told her to leave and again Tamar tried to appeal to him but she he wouldn't listen and he called a servant and 17 put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her. And the writer now wants us to understand Tamar's brokenness over this. As we say today the writer wants Tamar to be seen by us to be felt to feel what she's feeling. Verse 18 she was wearing a long robe with sleeves for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed and Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore and she laid her hand on her head and went away crying aloud as she went. And she ran into her brother Absalom who is the focus of these passages. We're supposed to watch Absalom. And the first thing that he asked her in verse 20 has Amnon your brother been with you? What an interesting question. He saw it. He saw the lust but she was unaware. At least he's perceptive. Now look at his words. Look at Absalom's words. He says to Tamar now hold your peace my sister. He is your brother. Do not take this to heart. In other words he's saying keep quiet. We protect the sins of the family. Don't say anything. So that's a discernment fail on Absalom's part because it is not proper. That is not wise judgment. So why did this happen? Why did we get here? Well David had not disciplined his sons to obey the rules or the codes of conduct. He had never displeased them in any way. They grew up entitled, untrained, and they learned from somewhere to cover up anything that made them feel guilty. Now where did they learn that from? So it's really dreadful. So Tamar lived a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house and when King David heard of all these things he was very angry but he did nothing. So we have a discipline fail. He did nothing. Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good or bad meaning they didn't talk at all. Absalom hated Amnon because he had violated his sister Tamar. So every single thing that can go wrong is wrong in this chapter. Tamar is devastated and no one comes to her aid. No one shows her compassion. No one brings the offender to justice. David is mad but he does nothing because he never has done anything. Absalom hates now Amnon for what he did but he stuffs it. Oh it'll come up later. And Amnon seemed to suffer no consequences with what he had done but that will come later too. Now I want to say before we keep going if any of this strikes close to home for you I am really really sorry because no woman should have to endure this in ancient Israel or today. And no man should forsake his good sense and abandon himself to lust. And no siblings should have to live with this kind of dysfunction. This is not how God created things to be and this is not how God gave his instructions to Israel for them to live. Everything is wrong. But for our purposes what I want to focus on is the biggest lessons here that a father or again a mother since we are women a mother should never let her son get away with things unpunished. When wrongdoing is swept under the rug, when emotions are stuffed, dysfunction flourishes. And it will find a way to surface again and that's just what we read. Verse 23 says after two full years of this then we find out that Amnon has sheep shears. It's sheep shearing time. It's payday. And so he invites David and the rest of the sons to come and to celebrate. David says no it's going to be too much of a burden. That's not a good idea. But Amnon says well please then let my brother I'm sorry Absalom says please let my brother Amnon go. And the king said see there there's something here that's not right. The king said why should he go? They haven't talked to each other. But Absalom pressed him urged him nagged him and David was not in the habit of saying no to his sons. And so all the king's sons finally went. So verse 28 when then Absalom commanded his servants mark when Amnon's heart is merry with wine and when I say to you strike Amnon then kill him do not fear have I not commanded you be courageous and valiant which is interesting to tell them to be courageous doing something you're not doing. So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded and then all the king's sons arose and each mounted his mule and fled. And the way the news came to David was that Absalom killed all of the sons. And it was Jonadab that suspiciously had the inside scoop in verse 32 and says let my lord not suppose they've killed all the king's sons for Amnon alone is dead. For by the command of Absalom this has been determined from the day he violated his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king so take it to heart to suppose that all the king's sons are dead for Amnon alone is dead and is that not ironic that phrase don't take it to heart that is exactly what Absalom told his sister Tamar. Don't take it to heart that you got raped and now there's Jonadab says to David don't take it to heart that your son was murdered. What? What other emotions is a person supposed to have? So it's just it's crazy. Now this isn't the right time to look at David and say well if you had ever punished any of your sons if you had ever brought discipline perhaps we wouldn't be here right now but it is the time for us to look at this passage and say well what can we learn in my life about preventing this type of dysfunction because we are at the preventative stage many of us especially young mothers. It is our responsibility to ensure that our children receive the proper discipline at every stage and it's not easy. Did any of you steal candy at the grocery store or gum and your mother drug you back and you either had to pay for it or give it back or sweep the floor or something? That's how it should be. We should mothers should make children pay for their wrongdoing in order to learn. You know I have an hour-long story that I'll tell you in 20 seconds but back in the mid 90s you know a man a young man maybe 19 came and stole a whole bunch of electronic and musical equipment out of our church and it's fascinating story but we figured it out no the Lord figured it out and showed us and we we connected with his parents and we got the stuff back and all that. Do you know what the dad said? We were we were up north getting all this stuff back. He said you need to call the sheriff. Now we've been to their house I know he could have pulled out his checkbook. I know he could have made a nice donation or paid for the things but he told my husband you need to call the sheriff and we did and you know I think we did hear from the guy a little bit later but what bravery that's the bravery we need is to shape people's lives. So the chapter ends with all the sons return home in a state of shock and weeping Absalom fled to Gesher his mother's home and David grieved verse 27 David mourned for his son day after day. And we're not exactly sure which son he's mourning for. Is he mourning for Abnon, who is dead, or is he mourning for Absalom, who fled? We don't know for sure, except, look it, it ends in verse 39, the spirit of the king longed to go out to Absalom. All right, so verse 14 now enters, or excuse me, chapter 14, now we enter Joab again. And we're reminded right away that he is part of the dysfunctional family, because look it, it says, now Joab, the son of Zeruiah, oh, that's right, you're a nephew to David, you're part of this thing. He knew that the king's heart went out to Absalom, so he threw himself into action to get Absalom back, and I'm gonna condense a lot of this chapter for us, and he may have been looking at David and thinking, I gotta do something to get you back on track. Like, you got a kingdom here to run, and you're not doing well. Or he may have been motivated to just sort of tape the family back together by getting Absalom back in Jerusalem. Or he may have been motivated, thinking himself, maybe Absalom's the next king. Maybe I better kind of chum up to him a little bit if I'm gonna hold my place. But either way, he decides it's gonna be a good thing to get Absalom back. And the way I see it in my mind is that he was thinking about Nathan, and how effective it was when Nathan the prophet brought a story to David, the story about the man and the lamb that really tugged on David's heartstrings, and sort of tricked David into seeing his own wrongdoing. And I think Joab was thinking back on that. It's like, well, that really worked. I'm gonna give that a try. I'm gonna go get myself a wise actress woman from Tekoa, someone who can follow a script and can ad-lib as well, because I don't know how this is gonna go. And he did, and he brings her in, and the actress woman says to David, your servant is a widow. I had two sons, and one killed the other one, so now I only have one son left to provide for me, and the clan wants him to be come to justice, and then what will I do? And it worked. It tugged on David's heartstrings. And he said to her, you know, all right, I'll put a protection on him. And then she revealed her hand by asking the king this question. Why do you not bring your banished one home then? And David knew right away who was behind this. In verse 19, the king said, is the hand of Joab with you in all of this? And she admitted it was, and oh, how wise of David it was to have figured that out. You are so smart that you knew that. It worked. David was tricked. He talked to Joab, brought Absalom back, but he told him this in verse 24. The king said, let him dwell apart in his own house. He is not to come into my presence. So Absalom lived apart in his own house and did not come into the king's presence. And the writer wants to build an image in our mind of who Absalom is and what he looks like. So let's read verse 25. Now in all Israel, there was no one so much to be praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head, there was no blemish in him. And when he cut the hair of his head, it weighed in at 200 shekels by the king's weight. And by the way, a little side note here, isn't it the cute ones that are the hardest to discipline? Yes? I mean, this resonates with us. Like, we can understand a little bit. As a mother, it's like, it is hard. Those good-looking, cute little kids, it's kind of hard to discipline them. And there were born to Absalom three sons and one daughter whose name was Tamar. Interesting, we see also how traumatic there was something in there that was holding onto this. He loved his sister so much, he named his daughter Tamar. It says she was beautiful too. So Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem without coming into the king's presence. And that's another dysfunction builder, is when a family lives close enough together and yet is estranged and does not talk. Nothing good is gonna come from that. And Absalom grew tired of the estrangement. And he had a plan, he had been developing a plan, but he needed access to the king. And the way to get access to the king was through Joab. So in verse 29, Absalom sent for Joab to send him to the king, but Joab would not come. He sent a second time, but Joab would not come. And now because he's practiced in a sense of power and entitlement, he burns down his field and Joab finally comes and says, what's going on? And he arranged this meeting between Absalom and David. And we find it in verse 33, when Absalom came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king and the king kissed Absalom. And that's all there is to it. We don't hear anything else. There doesn't seem to be resolution here, okay? They both thought that the other had wronged him. Absalom never dealt with his deep hurt over his sister because his father had done nothing. And David never dealt with his hurt over his son being killed because Absalom fled. And so now nothing is resolved. And so it just perpetuates this dysfunction. And once dysfunction gets a grip, it holds on tight. Now, resolution is needed, okay? But we only as human beings, we only have control over our part. We can't force resolution on the other part. We only have control over our part. And maybe you have gone through some kind of family dysfunction, whatever. The resolution for that is an entirely different Bible study. And it requires discernment. It requires prayer. It requires really hearing from the Lord on how and when and what to do with that. Our focus here in this passage is prevention. And I just wanna say that that's what we're looking at here is to prevent the dysfunction through discernment and through discipline. And I wanna take us to a passage in Hebrews. I'll put it on the screen for you. Hebrews 12, 14 and 15. This is from the NIV. And it says,

See, that's our part. And in this final chapter that we're studying, we're gonna see that Absalom either has or begins to develop an appetite for the throne. Maybe this was his ambition all along. Or maybe this is just where his bitterness and dysfunction surfaced again is. I'm gonna take my dad's place. But what we see is Absalom's bitterness is going to cause trouble and defile many. And that's what we see in that Hebrews passage. Chapter 15. After this, Absalom got himself a chariot and horses and 50 men to run before him. And Absalom used to rise early and stand beside the way of the gate. And when any man with a dispute to come, had a dispute to come before the king for judgment, Absalom would call to him and say, verse three, your claims are good and right. But there's no man designated by the king to hear you. Oh, that I were judge in the land. Then every man with a dispute or cause might come to me. And I would give justice as he put out his hand for them to kiss his, you know. So verse six says, Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel. It's interesting that the author tells us he stole the hearts. He did not earn their trust. He stole their hearts. And don't we find that with popularity, even in our culture, even in our elections, for example. It's rare for someone to earn our trust. They go around stealing the hearts, is how it works. Absalom was not doing the hard work of helping his father run the kingdom. He wasn't doing that. In fact, we'll find out next week, he can't even ride a donkey through a forest, you know. What Absalom was doing was he was merely talk, talk, talk. He was glad handing. He was schmoozing. He was promising. That's all he could do. He didn't know how to run a kingdom. Verse seven, and at the end of four years of campaigning and convincing, Absalom said to the king, please let me go and pay my vow in Hebron for your servant vowed a vow while I lived at Gesher, saying if the Lord would indeed bring me back to Jerusalem, then I will offer worship to the Lord. And in this moment, David should have seen the yellow dash light flashing to him and saying, why does he want to go to Hebron to do this? That's where he was born. That's a king making town. That's where they crowned me king. Why is he going there? But David's not discerning in that. And so in verse nine, he says, go in peace. So he arose and went to Hebron, but Absalom sent. secret messengers throughout all the tribes of Israel because he had had four years to collect cell phone numbers and email addresses and now was the time. Now it was. And he says as soon as you hear the sound of the trumpet then say Absalom is king at Hebron. And with Absalom went 200 men from Jerusalem who were invited guests but they went in their innocence and knew nothing and he also sent and asked for Ahithophel the Gileadite who had been David's counselor. And it says the conspiracy grew strong and the people with Absalom kept increasing. And you have to hand it to Absalom for this intricate groundwork and his extreme patience in laying this all out. I mean that at least is impressive. But what I want to say here is all of this has taken maybe 12 to 18 years from the time that Nathan told David he was going to have Solomon. So Solomon's 12 to 18 years old. He's a teenager in here. A lot has been happening and all we read about is this. But we still hear nothing about him in the narrative. See this is peripheral information that is instructive for us. Verse 13 a messenger came to David saying the hearts of the men of Israel have gone after Absalom. And finally David has acquired some discernment and he says arise and let us flee or else there will be no escape for us from Absalom. Go quickly lest he overtake us. Quickly and bring down ruin on us and strike the city with the edge of the sword. David has come to accept everything that Absalom is capable of. And he has he fears him as he should. And so we also see a couple other things here that David knows. God told him years ago who would sit on the throne. He knew the throne was going to Solomon. He knew that Absalom would not be the next king that God had chosen. He also knew his son and he knew Absalom did not have what it took to run the kingdom. It would it would all come to nothing. But David also knew that he was a far superior strategist and commander than was his son. And he had the advantage in that and so the rest of the chapter that I'm going to kind of summarize tells us five things that he put into place to help minimize as much collateral damage as possible. Because a bitter root causes trouble and defiles many. David knew Absalom wouldn't be the forever king but who's going to get hurt on our way to get there. And so these are strategies he put in place. So I just want to run through these things. First the women. David left ten concubines to keep the house. Now whether that was wise or not Solomon will take advantage of that next week. But then there's this commander in verses 19 to 23. Ittai the Gittite. He's a foreigner but he is a seasoned commander. And he starts leaving with David and David says to him just go back. This is not your battle. Like you just got here. I'm not going to drag you into this. But I want us to read what this commander, the loyalty that he expresses to David. To me it reminds me totally of Ruth and Naomi. Look at verse 21. Ittai says, as the Lord lives and as my Lord the King lives wherever my Lord the King shall be whether for death or for life there also will your servant be. Wow. A loyal guy. And so David will make use of his loyalty next week. And then the priests. They start coming out with the Ark of the Covenant. And at least what makes me happy here is they're doing it right. It's the priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant. So we learned that. That is fantastic. And all the people pass by but then David sends them back. Look at verse 25. In the middle of the verse David says to Zadok, listen if I find favor in the eyes of the Lord he'll bring me back and he'll let me see both the Ark and its dwelling place. It's okay. It can stay here. But if he says I have no pleasure in you behold here I am. Let him do to me what seems good to him. David knew that his future was in God's hands. But he goes if God is pleased with me he'll bring me back. I'll see the Ark. It should stay here. And so in verse 27 the King said to Zadok and also are you not a seer? Go back to the city in peace with your two sons. I will wait at the fords of the wilderness until word comes from you to inform me. See he's going to be useful as an informant. So Zadok and Abiathar carried the Ark of God back to Jerusalem and they remained there. And then David learns about this consular that was the who defected. Verse 31 it was told David Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom. And David right away has a strategy to turn that into an advantage. And he said oh Lord please turn the council of Ahithophel into foolishness. They were close. He knew what Ahithophel would tell Absalom. So this was an advantage for him. And then finally starting in verse 32 we see this double agent that comes on the scene that David puts into place. While David was coming to the summit where God was worshipped behold Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat torn and dirt on his head. And David said to him look if you go with me you're going to be a burden to me. But if you return to the city and say to Absalom I will be your servant oh king as I have been your father's servant in time past. Then you will defeat for me the council of Ahithophel. Are not Zadok and Abiathar the priests with you there. So whatever you hear in the king's house tell it to Zadok and Abiathar. And behold they have two young sons that can run errands Ahimeaz and Jonathan. And by them you shall send to me everything you hear. So Hushai David's friend came into the city just as Absalom was entering Jerusalem. And so that's a really strange place a cliffhanger of a place for us to end this. But what we see happening is exactly what Hebrews 12 tells us for our instruction. The blossoming of this bitter root in Absalom's heart is going to cause trouble and defile many. We will get through this. David will get through this. And in your life you may have similar situations where someone has allowed a bitter root to rise up to cause trouble to defile many. You might be working through that. You will get through it. Might be difficult. David's season here is very difficult. And that's kind of part of life. This isn't heaven this is earth. And we have these difficulties. But for our part I want to take us back to where we started and that is preventing dysfunction. Right? What did we learn about preventing dysfunction? Lord help me be discerning. Help me increase my discernment. Teaching my kids to be discerning. If anything is suspect they need to protect what they're doing. And Lord help me to discipline those you've put into my care. Because if I discipline, isn't the Bible say? Discipline him and you will save his life. So those are the things I want us to carry into our discussion. Father thank you for this passage. Even though it's difficult Lord we are inspired. I am inspired here with a couple things. To increase my discernment and to help those around me. And Lord God to check my heart on a root of bitterness before it causes trouble and defiles many. I do not want to be the one like Absalom who is the troublemaker. So Lord would you help us in those things we pray in Jesus name. Amen.