1 Peter 3 (Part 1)

We're in 1 Peter. We're in chapter 3. We're just starting chapter 3, and you'll remember last time we were in 1 Peter, I told you that Peter had kind of made a thematic change in terms of what he'd been talking about. He's now referring to how to live in harmony in our lives. And you'll remember last week, he talked about living in harmony with the governing authorities. He talked about living harmoniously. If you're a servant with your master, or you could apply it to an employee with your employer, even if that person you're working for is difficult to live with. And of course, he tied the whole thing together by saying that Jesus is our example on how to patiently endure when life is challenging, difficult, and so forth. Now we're going to move into marriage. So, buckle up. So we're going to be talking to wives and husbands here this morning. Verses 1 through 7 is what we're going to take. Follow along with me as I read and then we'll get into it. It goes like this.

I'm going to have you stop right there and let's pray.

Heavenly Father, we look at these verses and kind of unpack the meaning here this morning. We pray for understanding and insight that only You, through your Holy Spirit can bring. We study the word Lord, but we know that behind it all, the ability to apprehend what is in the word comes from You. And so Lord, we acknowledge that and we pray that you'd speak to each heart because you know each heart. And whether Lord, your people are married or not, there are always things that apply and give us understanding. So we pray that you would do that this morning in the name of Jesus. Amen. Amen. So now we're turning to husbands and wives. Again, the theme you'll remember that Peter gave us last week is living in harmony. Right? And that can be a particularly difficult place to strike a chord of harmony in the institution of marriage. Now you'll notice as we looked at these verses, Peter spends way more time talking to the women than he does to the men. In fact, six verses are covered in really talking to the ladies. And then just one verse is talking to the men. I find that kind of interesting. I think that one of the reasons for it is that the challenges that are faced in marriage by a woman are frankly more formidable than are the challenges that are faced by a man. And the reason I say that is because of what we read in the first few words of verse 1. If you look what again with me in your Bible, it says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands” Now you'll remember that last week I told you that those words “be subject to” can also be translated, “be submissive to”, and so we come to that “s” word, the submit word, which is very challenging for some people to even hear. But I believe that is the reason that, frankly, a woman deals with more challenges going into the marriage state related to her role, her calling in marriage to submit herself to her husband. And the reason that's challenging is because he's full of weaknesses as all of us men are. And it can be a very challenging thing for a woman to place herself in a position of willing submission to a man whom she sees pretty clearly as having challenges in his own right. And it can be a very scary thing for a woman because if we, men, are going to be honest, we're going to admit to you right here, right now, that there are times that we don't lead very well. We're called into that position of leadership, but sometimes we don't do a very good job of it. Sometimes, in fact, we're pretty poor leaders. Some, most of the time women make better leaders. And that's just the fact of the matter. But there's also another fact that plays into it, and that is that God has called the man to function in that role. And that is what Peter addresses here in these first words. Again, he says, “Likewise, wives”, (he says), “be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some”, (he says), “do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct”. I want you to notice there at the beginning that Peter says, women are to be subject or submissive to your own husbands. And that's an important distinction. It does not say to women, be submissive to men. The Bible doesn't say that. The Bible exhorts women to walk in an attitude of submission to her own husband, not somebody else's. And within the context of marriage, as we said, God has ordained the man to function in a role that the Bible calls the head, or that role is one of headship, and it is actually talked about in some of Paul's writings in the book of Ephesians. Let me show you on the screen. Ephesians chapter 5. It says: (Slide)

A couple of things I want to bring up about that. First of all, the word head here denotes leadership. It does not speak of supremacy; it does not speak of domination. A husband is never told to dominate his wife. He is told to lovingly lead her. And the other thing that's important for us to see in that passage is that God is the one who called the man into that role of headship. He did not take it upon himself. And if most men will be honest with you, they will admit to you that they're not terribly comfortable in that role. In fact, most of the men that I meet are reticent to take up, many times, and walk out that role because they feel ill-equipped to do so. They recognize their wife's maturity, spiritual and otherwise, they recognize some, many times her leadership skills. And there are a good many men who simply defer to the woman in many aspects of leading the family, walking in that role. And many times, the husband will in fact abdicate his role of leadership to the wife. But once again, she is called to lovingly respond to his loving leadership and recognizing the authority that God gave him the position that God gave him. There's an order that God has established in marriage and that's, I guess that's a word I want to highlight for you, that word “order”. God has established order. God is a God of order. We're told that in the scriptures, our God is not a God of disorder, but a God of peace. And when there is order, there's peace. When there's disorder, there's chaos. And that applies very much to the home. When there is order in the home, there's peace. When there is disorder, there is chaos. And we wonder sometimes in our culture why so many marriages go up in smoke. It's because we've adopted the disorder of the world. We have essentially embraced the way the world does things, the way the world thinks, the way the world applies these roles in marriage. And because of that, we've just gotten out of order. We're totally out of order as it relates to marriage and those relationships. And then we wonder why suddenly we're broken down along the side of the road and we can't get this thing to start. Well, we haven't applied the word of God. We haven't listened to the word of God. We think of marriage, it's like “my” marriage. I'm married and it's my marriage. Listen, God created marriage. God created the institution of marriage. We didn't. And He knows how it is to function. He knows the best way for it to function. So it's just going to function well and there's peace and harmony within the home. And that doesn't mean that every marriage is always going to have peace and harmony. I've been married for over 43 years, and I know what it's like to go through those times in life that are very struggle some between husband and wife. Sue and I have had our moments, believe me. But every single one of those moments is when we've gotten away from what God's word says. It's when I've gotten away from my role as the husband or Sue has veered off from hers and we have to come back. And we have to apologize one to another and we have to pray. “Lord, I got off, I got I started doing my own thing. I was following the world. I need to get back in line with the scripture”.

That's where harmony is going to exist. And so there's this order that God has created with within the home. And that's a very important thing to recognize, but an even more challenging thing to put into place. So here's the deal. Peter is talking now to wives in this passage, and he's kind of laying out a what-if scenario. And so we're going to, we're going to kind of play that out today. And the what-if goes like this… What if…? A woman is married to a man and he's stumbling over some aspect of the word of God. You'll notice that the way Peter words it, he says that if your husbands “are not obeying the word," okay, and so this could very well be a born-again Christian man. He loves the Lord, but he's stumbling over some aspect of the word. Okay? And so Peter lays out this, what-if. How is a woman to respond in a situation like that? Well, he opens up by saying, “wives be subject to your own husband," so that even if there's our if scenario, even if some do not obey the word, Peter acknowledges right there that there are times when a husband will stumble over some aspect of the word of God. To fail to walk into obedience, and Peter knows that is going to present a very challenging scenario for the woman. And it's very challenging because this is a woman, first of all, who has placed herself in a role of willing submission under this man. And she's fully aware of the fact that he's not doing what he ought to be doing. She's fully, and guys, our wives always know, right? When there's something going on in our lives that just isn't right or we're stumbling over some aspect of the word, she's always going to be aware of it. And so the whole issue here is how is she going to react? How is she going to react to the husband's weakness in this area, or his stumbling, if you will. Because there's so much predicated on how she reacts. Well, what Peter says here in verse 1 is that her reaction to her husband should be to continue to walk in that willing attitude of submission so that he might be won over without, as Peter says, “without a word." But rather, through the conduct of his wife when he sees her response, which he says, ought to be respectful and ought to be pure. And this is so important for a woman. Because the very real temptation for a woman in a situation like this when she knows that she's placed herself in a willing position of subordination under her husband's leadership and he's not walking as he should, that is a very fear- inducing situation for a woman. And there is a vast array of temptations now that will make their way into her heart, and she must be very careful not to let fear take over. Because if fear takes over, well, things are said that should not be said. Damage is done and it never helps the situation. Never. But men, one of the first things we need to understand is why she becomes fearful. She becomes fearful because you are the leader and you're not leading right now as you should. That puts her in a vulnerable situation. And that's why Peter says, rather than letting fear take over, let her “continue to walk in an attitude of submission” and let her show him by her conduct, her actions, her daily life, both her respect and the purity of her conduct. That respect part that's for the husband because a woman needs to continue to walk in an attitude of respect toward her husband. You know when you read through, and we're not going to look at it here this morning, but when you read through the book of Ephesians, when Paul the Apostle is telling husbands and wives what their greatest need in marriage is, or the greatest way for them to minister to their spouse, he says to the men, man here's what your wife needs the most. She needs to know that you love her. And so husbands, he says, love your wives. (Ephesians 5:33) But then he goes on and he speaks to the women. He says, wife, be respectful to your husband. And even though a man needs love, and he needs all the other things that a woman needs, what he needs the most is respect. Because men, you see, are occupational and they're very all about what they do and the respect that they gain from that. And women are primarily relational, and that makes them very different in their makeup. But a woman needs to know that she's loved above anything else. But a man needs to know that he's being respected. And so that is one of the reasons why, well, that is the reason why he says, “let him”, (she says to the woman), “let him”, (your husband), “be won” (over) “when he sees your respectful conduct”. In other words, even though you know that he's not living like he should, he's stumbling over some aspect of the word, you continue to respect him. And I had a wife one day, I was counseling a couple, and we were talking about these biblical ideas of respect and love and so forth in the marriage situation. And she said, “Well, but what if I don't respect him? He does things that aren't respectable, so how can I respect a man who isn't respectable”? I said, well, that's not the point. You're not basing your respect on whether you think he's respectable. Your respect is predicated on the fact that God has put him in a position of headship in the family. God put him there. He didn't take it upon himself. He probably doesn't even like the role, but it's his nonetheless. And by the fact that God gave it to him, you are to respect him for that reason. You see, it's the same principle that we see in Romans chapter 13 when Paul is talking about how we are to obey the laws of the government. Do you remember what that passage says? He says, there's no government that is established on the Earth that hasn't been established by God. So then if you rebel against the government, what did he say? You're rebelling against God. If you respect the government, then you are respecting God. Remember? It's the same principle: when a woman looks at her husband and expresses respect for him, she is doing it out of her ultimate respect for God. She recognizes the Lord God is the one who put him into that position, and so by showing respect for him, she's actually respecting the Lord. But that pure conduct part, remember he said, he says, “let your husband”, (ladies), “be won” (over) “by your respectful conduct and your pure conduct”. That is your attitude toward God and that's where you just keep walking with the Lord. You keep doing what the Lord tells you to do, even though he's not doing what he's supposed to do. You keep walking with the Lord in the way that you are supposed to walk with the Lord. He's going to see that. And ladies, you need to understand something. For those of you who are married, that is an incredibly powerful component of how you can reach the heart of your husband by simply carrying on in your walk with the Lord as if there weren't any issues. It is hugely... I share with, I talk about these things when I'm going through pre- marriage counseling with couples. And I usually, I often give them an example. If a woman sees her husband, that he's not spending time in the word, he's not having his morning devotions or frankly even opening up his Bible at all during the week. She, that could be a fear-inducing thing for her. And so, she has a lot of options. She can give into that fear and begin to, she can say things to him. And honestly, ladies, at that point, it is not uncommon for a woman to begin to play the role of the mother, even with her husband, and to say things like, “don't you think you need to be reading your Bible a little more than being on the internet”? And that doesn't work. That's not going to get you anywhere. In fact, he'll probably stiffen his neck even more. The most powerful thing for me is to see my wife get up in the morning, plop herself down in her chair, and open her Bible and just do what she knows she needs to do to strengthen her own walk with Jesus.

And I heard from women in the past about, you know what I do, my husband he's an unbeliever. He doesn't want to go to church with me. I get, I know, going to church alone, that can be a big, rotten situation. I get it. But he needs to see your devotion to the Lord. He needs to see your devotion to Jesus Christ regardless of the fallout. So again, I want to just remind women of just how powerful a thing it is for her to show by example. And then Peter moves on here to speak to women about appearances, and he starts talking about these various things related to how a woman looks. I find it interesting that it was the way women looked was just as big of a deal back then as it is today. I mean, we've found some new ways to do things, but it's still the same thing. Peter says in verse 3 to ladies, “Do not let your adorning be external”. And that right there, ladies, that's the key phrase for you to understand everything that Peter is going to say related to your appearance. okay? That, and frankly, I liked the way the NIV rendered this section because I thought they, they did it, they caught the essence of it very well. They rendered it this way. “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment”. And that's, in other words, just don't let your beauty be merely external or merely on the outside. And Peter mentioned some of the outward things that ladies of his day were doing to look pretty. And notice what he says. He talks about the braiding of hair, the putting on of gold jewelry. Or the clothing that you wear now, you need to understand something about this. Peter's not forbidding those things. There are people who have read these verses and they've come to the conclusion, “Oh, we're never, to, women are never to braid their hair. They should never wear any gold jewelry. They should never wear fine clothes. They should always be dressed very plainly and no makeup”, and they come up with all their sorts of rules that they come up with. That's not what Peter is saying. He's encouraging women here to concentrate on the things that make them beautiful on the inside. Because if a woman is only beautiful on the outside, it's a very superficial thing and men can see right through it. Men are attracted visually. I'll tell you that right now. And you ladies knew that. But it doesn't take long once you start talking to a woman or getting to know her, for a man to realize if in fact, that beauty is just skin deep.

And that is why Peter says that a woman's beauty is not to be merely on the outside. Listen, ladies, men like what you do to look pretty. There, there's nothing wrong with that. And you go into the book of Proverbs where you read about this wife, who is exalted. At the end of Proverbs, chapter 31. You remember that wife of noble character, now it says she dresses in fine clothing. So obviously there's not a prohibition here against a woman dressing up. Rather, what Peter is saying is really bound up in verse 4 when he says, “let your adorning”, (or your beautification if you will),”be the hidden person of the heart”, with what he calls the “imperishable beauty” or the unfading beauty “of a gentle and quiet spirit”, which he tells us here is a very precious thing in God's sight, and Peter's right about that. The beauty that comes from within is the most beautiful beauty that there is. It really is. You look at the world and the pressure that it puts on women. Yeah, they've lost their mind. The world has lost their mind today. Oh, women, spend millions of dollars every year in this country. Millions and millions trying to make themselves look younger. We've all seen the pictures of plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. It's just a reminder to us that even when it comes to things like beauty, the world doesn't get it. They don't get it. They think it's all here, what you can see in a mirror, but God looks at the heart. God cares about your heart first and foremost. That body that you've taken so much time to take care of and doll up and like I said before, I don't mind things like that. And I don't think the Bible has any prohibition on women dressing up or making themselves look pretty. But it's all going to go away one day. You're going to lay it aside someday. But what is in the heart and what has been nurtured in the heart is what remains. Peter calls it that imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. I love that he says in verse 5. Look with me in your Bible. He says,

I've never gotten Sue to buy into that one. But she said “Nope, we're not doing the Lord thing”. But ladies, he says, you are her children, meaning the children of Sarah. If you follow her example, he says, and do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. And this is where we come back to that idea of the fearful place that women are often in, in a marriage situation when the husband, who is the leader, is not leading like he ought.

It's interesting, this Greek word that is translated fear literally means a fluttering alarm. And there are times in a woman's life when she sees her husband not living up to what he should be doing as a leader. And there's this fluttering alarm that goes off in her heart, and she has to be very careful about that. Because once again, that can easily dictate her responses to her husband. And she has to be careful that those responses don't become so negative and damaging that it causes additional problems. Because as I said earlier, men aren't always the best leaders. Sometimes we fall down on the job and that's just the fact of the matter. And I used to wonder, when I would read this verse, what do women have to be so afraid about? I get it now. I get it, and I've given Sue lots of opportunities in 43 years to become fearful. But if a woman gives into that fear, it's only going to compound the problem and it will not produce harmony. It will not produce harmony. Now Peter turns to husbands, and even though it's just one verse here, there's quite a bit here, I want you to read it with me. It says,

And what I'm going to do is I'm going to bring out actually four things that Peter gives from just this single verse. For those of you who take notes, we'll will headline it this way, “Four Reminders for Husbands”. All right? And the first thing that he says is likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. (Slide) Four Reminders for Husbands  Live with your wife in an understanding way So that's the first thing up on the list. We are to live with our wives in an understanding way. Or as the new King James Bible says, “dwell with them with understanding”. I have to be very honest with you and tell you that this is probably the most challenging of all the things that I am, as a husband, am called to do. And that is to live in an understanding way. And the reason for that is because I'm a man and I don't mean to make a joke about that.

What I mean by that is, I don't think like a woman. I don't respond to life like a woman or like my wife does. And honestly, I don't think I'm alone in that. I think men are well, men are men and women are women. I don't care what the world tells you. And I, and so I'm called to walk in an understanding way with my wife and I don't understand her. 43 years in, I still don't understand her. She's an enigma to me. Now I'm beginning to anticipate, I've learned to anticipate some of the responses and reactions that she has to life, but it's only because of muscle memory. It's not because of understanding. Because I don't get it. Women are just so incredibly different. Here's the interesting thing. I've done, not only have I been married a long time but I've done a lot of marriage counseling, pre- marriage counseling, and I've learned something interesting. A man and a woman, they fall in love and everything's just wonderful and is, “oh, I love you”, and they're, they go through this wonderful period of time, and then they get married and the job begins. And here's the job. I am going to change you. And I and a woman's task is exactly the same as a man's. I'm going to make sure that you will start to think like me. That's what we do. We do that. We spend our lives in marriage trying to get the other person to think like us. You guys, some of you remember, I love watching old classic movies. Anybody ever remember the movie My Fair Lady? I think that's what it's called, where these two bachelors are singing this song. Why can't a woman be more like a man? That's the question of the year, century, lifetime. Why can't a woman…? Because she's the woman, that's why. Here's what's interesting about this. God created men and women to think very differently and knowing that they, we, think very differently. He ordained that we would come together in marriage knowing that it would present a challenge to maintaining harmony. I think there's some of us, we just kind of think that harmony's just going to kind of take over. It's like, “I got married, we're going to love each other and it's going to be wonderful”. And they don't factor in the fact I'm a man. She's a woman. That creates this immediate sort of tension in the relationship. Immediately. So how are we to have harmony? Well, let me just say this. It takes a lot of hard work. Anybody that tells you being married isn't hard work, has probably never been married. I have to work hard to understand my wife or to try to walk in an attitude of understanding. It's hard work. And it's not that I dislike it, it is just something I have to understand. It's something I have to deal with. It's going to be an effort, but I can't get tired and I can't give up and just say, “I don't understand you. I don't get you”. Of course you don't get her. What did you think? Takes effort. Takes a lot of hard work. But guys, we are to live in an understanding way with our wives, that means deal with it, right? You're never going to think like a woman and she's never going to think like a man. So learn to live in an understanding way with her. The second thing that Peter exhorts us related to these reminders is very simple, and that is to honor your wife. (Slide) Four Reminders for Husbands  Live with your wife in an understanding way  Honor your wife And you might kind of wonder what that's all about. But I need to tell you that the Greek word here that has translated, “honor,” means, “to value." And that's an important thing for a husband to remember. We need to value our wives, not just value them, above anything or anyone else in this world. Because you know what guys? Our wives are smart cookies, and they know if we value something more than them, whatever it may be. And it is our calling in Christ to value her above anything else. The third thing that we're reminded about, it really has kind of a two-pronged view, and that is to recognize her, first of all, as a weaker vessel, and also an heir with you. Four Reminders for Husbands  Live with your wife in an understanding way  Honor your wife  Recognize her as a weaker vessel and heir with you I want to talk about both of those elements you are to not let go of, but to continue to recognize her as the weaker vessel. And that is really Peter's way of just speaking of a woman's smaller physical stature in comparison to a man. Now, I know that there are some exceptions to that. I've seen those pictures of body building women and I always go, yikes. But, by and large, a man is usually bigger and has a larger muscle mass than does a woman. And here's the point about this, and Peter knows it full well. Some men have sadly taken advantage of that larger size to bully their wives into submission, and that's one of the reasons why the word “submit” or “submission” has taken on such a negative connotation in the hearts of some. Because some have taken it through force, rather than allowing their wife to respond lovingly and voluntarily to his role of leadership. But that's something a man should never do, obviously. In fact, I don't think I have to say I'm not going to surprise anybody when I say this, but… A Christian man should never ever, ever, ever lay a hand on his wife in anger. And if I haven't made my point: “ever”. It should just never happen. You're bigger and stronger. Don't let it happen. I don't care what you have to do. Don't ever let it happen. Now he also goes on here to talk about this idea of the wife being a fellow heir. That is something else that a man is to continue to recognize in his wife that she is a fellow heir. And that speaks of her position in Christ. And this is a reminder to husbands that even though you've been given a position of headship during this life and within marriage, beyond that, your wife is your total equal in her spiritual standing in Christ, and a joint heir with you of the gift of life. And you're to keep that in mind at all times. The Bible tells us in Christ there is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek slave, nor free. In Christ, all of those things fall away (Galatians 3:28). All of those distinctions in marriage, those distinctions still have meaning for the sake of order and harmony. And that's why they've been put in place. But men, we never let that go to our head and think that somehow that means we're better. And finally, the last reminder to men is that the way you respond to your wife can actually affect your prayers in a negative way. Four Reminders for Husbands  Live with your wife in an understanding way  Honor your wife  Recognize her as a weaker vessel and heir with you  The way you respond to your wife can hinder your prayers Peter uses the word, “hinder." The way we speak to our wives, the way we treat our wives, can actually have an effect on the effectiveness of our prayer. There is an old Bible commentator from England who has long since gone to be with the Lord, but he said this, he said, “The groans of an injured wife can come between a husband's prayers and the ears of God." I read that and I thought, wow, that's pretty powerful. The groans of an injured wife can actually come in between a husband's prayers and the ears of God. Guys, don't ever let that happen. Don't ever let that happen. That's where we're going to stop and we're going to pick it up in verse 8 next time. So, a word to husbands and wives. Let's stand together and let's close in prayer. We'll have some folks down front here if you need prayer today. We'd love to pray with you. Father God, I thank you so much for your word. I thank you for the insights that it gives us. I thank you for loving us enough to retain this word over the years. We forget sometimes, Lord, that so many writings of antiquity have been lost. But not the scriptures. You've kept them for us, Lord, and I'm thankful for that. And I pray, Lord, that as we go from this place, that your grace would follow us to really think about, meditate on and lay hold of the things that we've heard here in the word of God. Lord, this institution that you have established called marriage is the cornerstone of the family. And Lord, the strength of our society is so dependent upon it. And I pray my Father God, that we who are called by the name of Jesus Christ would be a witness and a testimony to the world around us of how marriages ought to be. Not perfect but striving always to live harmoniously with one another. Walking in obedience to the word of God. Thank you, Father, for your words. Strengthen us in all of our ways. For we look to you, Lord, on behalf of all of the men. Lord, we pray in the name of Jesus that you would enable us and empower us to be the leaders that our wives have need of, that our families have need of. Lord, we need your strength. And on behalf of all the women, we pray Father, in the name of Jesus, that you had strengthened them to live out their lives with respect and godliness and to speak volumes through that living.

We thank you and we praise you, father, for the wisdom of your word. In the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior, we pray. Amen. Amen. God bless you. Have a good rest of your Sunday.